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Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
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Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
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Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we
didn't
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An unfortunate person is one tries to fart but shits instead
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I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
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You're looking at perfection, and it ain't you!
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I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because
I hate plants
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The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
it.
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A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
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I can resist everything except temptation
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Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much
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Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
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A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies
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When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
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There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.
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Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting.
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He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
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Keep Earth clean, it's not Ur-anus
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Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
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A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce
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A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted
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Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
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Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.
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Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious
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I like your new face, but my monkey wants his ass back.
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Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you
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As long as my boss pretends that I'm earning much, I'm pretending that I work hard
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Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
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Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.
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I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
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Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
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They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.
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Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
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When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
